It has been so long since I have shared my dating stories with you. There have been a handful of dates I went on but I will share the few that really stand out for laughs. I won’t waste any time and just get right into it.  In todays news we have Mr. Lover Man, Mr. Important and finally Sir Douche Bag the III.

A while back I met this good looking guy named Mr. Lover Man. I was outside my building looking at some landscaping that had been damaged and this hot guy came up to me. He introduced himself and told me that he was working in the building next door and was wondering if his car was in my way. We started talking for a while and as I was about to leave he asked me for my digits. He later then told me that he never parked his car on the property, he was just looking for an excuse to talk to me. He said he saw me from inside the building while looking out the window and that he had to come down to talk to me. Sneaky. I was really flattered because I had just finished a work out, I had no make up on, my hair was a mess and I was wearing my workout clothes. I was not expecting him to be interested in me at all.

He called me the same day instead of a texting which was really cool. We decided to meet up that evening  to play some late night basketball. He picked me up and we went to go shoot some hoops that evening at this out door park close by. I go running my mouth and challenge him to a bet thinking we are both out of practice. After I lose, he tells me he is a basketball coach part time. He didn’t disclose that information in the beginning so he was obviously disqualified from winning. He says I owe him a kiss so he gets one. It was a very romantic night on this basketball court.

All good nights come to an end so we begun walking back. As we are walking back, I see this huge cloud of thick grey smoke and it kept getting more intense as we got closer to my building. I lost my mind at the thought of my cat Lynx being inside of a burning building so I start running. I grab Mr. Lover by the hand and tell him we need to go and save Lynx! He had no choice. We are running at top speed and this Poor Man is being dragged into this rescue mission.  All I can hear is him yelling “omg! What did you leave on?” over and over. I had no time to answer this mans questions, I had a cat to save. Turns out it was the building across the street, Lynx was safe. Nice to know that he Blamed me for the fire. Why did I grab his hand to run with me? who knows, but that is funny as hell.

Mr. Lover was 10 years younger than me. He just got out a serious relationship and was looking for some fun. I appreciate that he was being honest with me about where he was at in life. Mr. Lover man and I spoke for a couple weeks and I really contemplated this Idea of just having some fun with him. It would have been a nice distraction for me, and cool to have some company. Mr. Lover man tried to get hot and heavy with me, I knew he wanted me to invite him inside my place. I didn’t enjoy kissing him anymore because this type of connection doesn’t do anything for me. This type of company is lonely, unfulfilling , and I can’t relate to it. As long as two people are aware of the circumstances between each other, then No Judgement to people who like to kill time with each other and use each other for their time, energy and company. It’s when you are dishonest about your intentions in order to have access to someone to kill time with them that makes you dishonest and not worth having around. That is low and eventually there is a special kind of Karma that gets handed to people like this. After some careful consideration, I decided I didn’t want to have a fling with this man and we parted ways. It was fun !

Along Came Mr. Douche bag and Mr. Important. I was talking to them both at the same time. Let’s start with Mr. Important. We went for Brunch, he was such a gentlemen and he insisted on paying for everything. We had a lot in common and  we really hit it off. After Brunch we went for a walk by the water,  I had the best time. He asked me out again before the date ended and I felt really good about the connection. The second date rolled around and he was wearing the exact same outfit he wore on the first date and it really turned me off.  I felt like I was in a Seinfeld episode.  Mr. Important makes good money, he could afford to buy clothes. It’s not like he was coming out to be with me on his last dime. It came across to me as a lack of effort. Is he a man that would get too comfortable too quickly and I would soon be part of the furniture? Would I become  someone who is just there  in the background and be taken for granted and not seen? There is a memory of when I was small that stands out to me for some reason. It is engrained in my mind. The memory is of my Mom and Dad not really getting along. I noticed there were many times where they would be in the same room or in the rooms next to each other but both of them never really acknowledged each other. I was too small to really understand what was going on between them back then but I remember thinking that I never wanted that to be me. I never want to be accompanied by someone only to be alone. The late and Hilarious Robin Williams used to say, the only thing worse than being alone, is feeling alone while in the company of people. I couldn’t agree with that statement more.

 

Same Clothes noted ! but I still felt excited to talk to him and hang out. He picked me up at home and was taking me out for dinner. It took about 5 minutes into the drive for me to be bored out of my mind. I was so confused, how could I be so excited one minute and then feel this conversation is excruciating in the next? He was showing me where he used to live which was nice to see but then he wouldn’t stop talking about the house and the type of garage he had ,what has changed about the house now and I didn’t care. At Dinner he was talking some more and I didn’t care about the topics he was talking to me about either. I was so bored that It made me feel sad. I tried changing the topics so we could both be interested in the conversation but he kept making it all about him. It was so painful. Maybe it was just a bad night, so I decided to give it a little more time.

He travels for work so when he was gone it was cool to have some company on the phone, but then when he came back into town I wasn’t excited to see him. I cancelled my plans with him because there was a movie I really wanted to watch at home instead. While I was in Maui for work I finished reading a book called Where the CrawDads sing by Delia Owens. This book is a Reese Witherspoons book club pick!  I love reading her book club picks because they are books I would not normally grab, it broadens my reading. It is so cool because you have the book club reading the same book so you feel accompanied. It is so fun and if you love reading, I highly recommend ! Ok back to Mr. Important.  I couldn’t wait to get home from work and be in my sanctuary, change into my comfy Pjs and watch the  motion picture that was based on this entertaining book I just finished. I lit a bunch of candles and made some popcorn in my cozy home and escaped into this really cool movie. I was the happiest! Mr. Important wanted to reschedule plans and he invited me over to his place. I really didn’t want to go to his house.  We only went out twice, I didn’t know him well enough. I am assuming he wanted me over for more than just conversation. Mr. Important must have been disillusioned by that ridiculous three date rule that I do not follow. I decided I didn’t want to see Mr. Important anymore. In the short time I knew him, there was obviously something really holding me back and if I would rather be alone than be with him then I obviously didn’t like him enough.

 

Finally, we have Mr Douche Bag the III.  Mr. DB and I  really connected. He was so funny and exciting to talk to. This was that exciting connection where you know you have to be paying very close attention or else your panties will drop and you will be doing a double take at what just happened. Naturally, because of this my guard was up with Fortress walls times three. I find it cute sometimes when other people think they have walls, you have not seen mine. There were lots of flirty fun texts going on back and forth , we texted a lot. He wanted to take me out so we made plans for a Friday night. My radar started screaming that something was off and that I needed to be careful. We planned a phone date before hand and we had so much fun talking. he had me laughing and feeling good. We spoke for  hours. He went to work on no sleep because he didn’t want to get off the phone with me. Madness! Nothing spells bad News more than this connection.

I intentionally made plans with him the night before I had a really early morning to make sure I behaved myself. Mr.DB says maybe we should meet earlier because he really wanted to enjoy the night with me and we can drink without worrying about time. With my early flight in the morning, I have a cut off time with work for when I need to stop drinking and I guess my cutoff time was getting in the way of his plans. I stuck to the later time but now I am feeling uneasy about him picking me up. He wants to be a gentlemen and grab me at home but I was not sure that he would respect that I needed to be home early and it made me feel uneasy to let him drive me. If this date was going to end up happening I would be meeting him there.

The next day I couldn’t shake this instinct, It was screaming! Do Not go out with this Man! I went to a meditation that night and on my way there my car spun out. The roads were really bad ,my car got stuck in the snow and I ended up facing on coming traffic. I managed to roll my car out of the snow, which was annoying and I continued on my way. When I told Mr. DB what happened he was nice and sent me a bunch of hearts which should have made me feel good but instead I felt annoyed because it was not sincere. The Meditation was awesome that night and at the end of the session my body was screaming for me to acknowledge the feeling I was having to not to go out on this date. I begun to question myself because of it. Why do I often have such bad vibes about these guys? Why can’t I be carefree just like everyone else and just go with the flow? Why can’t I just have fun and not take things so seriously ? Why do I always have to be so afraid all the time of getting close to a man? Seems I don’t have that luxury of being carefree when it comes to relating to people. Being severely traumatized from emotional abuse and having bad experiences consistently with people, makes it so it does not allow me to just go with it. I decided to reach out to a friend.

During Covid I worked at the same place as Mr. DB but strangely I never met him while I was there. I asked my friend who I am still in touch with if he knows Mr. DB. He tells me he knows of him and he is pretty sure that he is married. Perfect!!! That was enough for me. I decided not  to reply to anymore of his texts and I would just stop talking to him. He shouldn’t be on this dating App if he is married and he doesn’t deserve an explanation as to why I am dropping off.

I am at my part time Job one night  when Mr. DB calls me. I wasn’t expecting him to call me since I  just stopped talking to him. A friend of mine was there; let’s call him J. He talked to him for me. It was the most amazing thing ever. He told him to get lost and to never call my number again. It was so nice not to have to fight for myself for once.I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I will take the break this time on this one. J is the best , I still laugh about this moment with friends, but the plot thickens.

My friend comes to visit me at work one afternoon and he keeps me company during one of my shifts. Lets say his Name is K . He brings up his son in law in conversation and the way he describes him sounds so much like Mr. DB . My heart drops when I realized the similarities were too close. I show K a picture of Mr. DB and K says Bloody hell that is him !!! Why do you have a picture of him? he asks me. I was talking to him on a dating App, I tell him. K says “what the hell “? I’m thinking, Can you imagine? Hey K I have been dating this guy Mr. DB for some time now, I would like you guys to meet. Come on! You can’t make this stuff up. Turns out Mr. DB is separated from K’s Daughter but they have a kid together. Red Flags from hell ! K tells his daughter about me and she tells me that I dodged a bullet. Mr.DB used a different name on the App. K is my work friend from my full time job so I never met his family. I knew where his son in law worked but I thought he was in a different department so I didn’t make the connection. Mr. DB knew where I worked full time and he never once mentioned K to me or asked if I knew him. Mr. DB told me he was going to tell me everything about himself when we go for dinner. Now I can feel good knowing that my instincts were right and not to question them. I often walk away from opportunities with men because I don’t feel safe, so at times I find I start to doubt myself. The positive thing about all these dating experiences is that I am developing a strong trust with my intuition. Your intuition picks up on red flags way before your logical mind does. I rationalize less now when my instincts go off. I just trust them. Instead of questioning my ability to be free with allowing people near me, I will allow myself to be free in trusting my instincts. That is where my freedom lies.

This reaches the end of The dating chronicles for me. I knew I was done when I talked to this man named Door Knob and he asked me ” What is it about you that makes you different from everyone else and I replied with ” I am different because I don’t give a shit whether you like me or not”. That was a stupid question and what he was basically saying was why should I go out with you. Does it look like I am applying for a job? Easy there Big time, Let me make things easier for you. I will step aside so I don’t hold up the line. I could have told Doorknob everything he wanted to hear. Played it up and stroked his ego. Be all flirty and fun so he thinks he is special. Send him sexy pics and tell him I am thinking of him and I could care less about doing any of those things. You’re not going to get to know someone by describing yourself. The conversation was a waste of my time. Get out of my face. Kidding. My Dating profile is stupid. I know I should have sexy pics and be more fun and flirty but I don’t want to attract the kind of man who just wants sex. I want a man who is looking for a partner in crime. My profile is boring. I thought putting myself out there would have been healthy and fun. I was looking for a distraction, to learn more about myself and what kind of men are out here. I also feel like a part of me was dating for a joke.  Sadly, I don’t know that the dating culture is a healthy one and I don’t relate to the way people treat each other. I have not come across anyone I want to care and be there for. Through all these experiences I have learned so much about myself and about life and for this I am grateful for.

I have left My App open but I have lost interest in talking to anyone. I kept it open for some reason so I don’t cut myself off completely, but I am not sure why. I am such a homebody and I really don’t like to socialize too much. I love hanging out with friends but in moderation. A lot of wanting to be alone Is because I don’t feel safe being too close with people. It is exhausting having your guard up all the time. When I am alone my guard can fully come down, except when I am around Lynx because he tries to manipulate me. Kidding. I think I have hit one heart break too many throughout my life and it has taken it’s toll on me. I know that is something I am working through and I will be ok, but my soul is tired. I haven’t really been myself.  At this point my dream date would be having someone with me that I am truly safe with and we literally just sleep for days. Having people get too close to me can be truly a painful and scary experience for me. Overall I am happy with my life. I find joy in the smallest things which I find a true blessing. I have hobbies I truly love and enjoy like reading, writing and being in nature. I love self improvement and progress. I found bliss, stillness and inner peace within myself but these dating experiences, although hilarious at times, to me feel like the sound of nails scratching deeply on a chalk board. These connections disturb my inner peace and joy, so I am leaving things to fate. I would rather take a cooking class or find places to visit  that I truly enjoy than spend my energy on these men. If I do meet the right guy then I will meet him along the way, and I am ok with that. If not then that is ok too.

Letting the wrong person in your world can destroy your life and I am not willing to risk that. We are too much of a self absorbed society. We want instant gratification and we have people just replacing people because things get a little hard. People don’t value each other anymore. As much as a Dating App can be good for busy people it has also ruined the value of meeting someone because there are too many options. People are bouncing around from person to person out of convenience so like a Lone wolf that does not fit into the crowd, I am out. I don’t fit in here.

One change I will make is dating Men who feel unfamiliar to me. I learned something really cool while I was in school. The relationships we formed as children with our Families is what is familiar to us. If we had a relationship that did not go well for example with our mothers, we subconsciously  attract that same type of personality. The mind wants what is familiar and we equate that familiarity to mean it’s love. Not only does it feel familiar but our subconscious mind  also wants to recreate the story with that relationship to give it a happy ending. For Example, One could feel their Parent didn’t love them so they attract that same personality in a romantic relationship  to try and make the person with that same personality love them. We do this so we can validate our worth and to prove to ourselves that we are loveable. Since we did not feel love from that parent then recreating a happy ending with the same personality type means something was wrong the other person and not us. If I can make this person with the same personality as my mother love me for example, then that means I am loveable. No Offence to my  Dad, I think the world of him. He was the best Dad , but I also know he was a ladies Man. I don’t know how I know this, but kids just know. It is fair to say I attract Ladies men because they remind me of my father. I also attract men who think they can treat me horribly because I had Relatives who treated me horribly so that is what is familiar to me. Now I will focus on men Who I don’t normally go for to break this pattern. God Speed.

I most likely have been talking to myself writing these chronicles, but in the small chance someone is still with me, Thank you for laughing with me. I deal with life through humour because you either laugh or you cry. Crying ruins my mascara so I choose to laugh. I hope wherever you are that you are surrounded by love and good people who are there for you through good times and especially when you’re down. If you have been left while you’re down, you’re not alone. I have been left for dead more times than I can count. The one person who you can always count on is yourself. If true happiness lies within ourselves then we have never lost anything! Never settle because it really isn’t worth it. Design your life how you want it to be for yourself and surround yourself with people that bring out the best versions of you. Anything less than this is a waste of a life. Life doesn’t start with a relationship, It starts now. We Truly have no idea if we will even be here in an hour from now. We are not here in this place forever.  Don’t let your mind play tricks. What matters are the good moments that are happening now. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow doesn’t exist. All we have is now. Make your life worth living and keep laughing no matter what! Look at what you have and not what you’ve lost.  Find and see the good in everything. Bad always exists but Good always exists too. What Lens do you chose to see your life from? See the best for yourself always. Like Drake says, If someone treats you like an option, Leave them like a choice. Because fuck them, thats why . Until next time friends !